Jan 28, 2026

How Do I Handle it When My Ex Talks Badly About Me to the Kids?

Q: How do I handle it when my ex talks badly about me to the kids?

Never retaliate by talking badly about her—your children need one parent who protects them from adult conflicts. When children repeat negative things, respond calmly: validate their feelings without attacking their mother and reassure them of your love. Document everything: what children repeat, when they said it, emotional changes after visits, and any texts, emails, or social media posts showing alienating behavior. Consider therapy for children if alienation affects them—therapist reports can support court intervention. For severe alienation where children refuse visits or repeat elaborate lies, file a motion requesting court intervention. Courts can order counseling, co-parenting classes, communication restrictions, custody modification, or contempt charges. Maintain your relationship through consistent, positive involvement—your actual behavior contradicts her lies over time.

by David Pisarra, Esq.

When your ex badmouths you to the children, she's engaging in alienating behavior - harmful behavior that damages kids emotionally and can affect custody. Your response must protect your children while building a case for court intervention if needed.

Understanding and Responding to Alienation

First, understand what's happening. Alienating behavior includes telling kids you don't love them, blaming you for the divorce, sharing inappropriate adult information about conflicts or finances, making negative comments about you in front of the kids, or encouraging them to reject you.

Never retaliate by talking badly about her. This escalates the problem and makes you equally guilty. Your children need at least one parent who protects them from adult conflicts. Be that parent.

Talk to your kids age-appropriately. Don't interrogate them or ask what mom says about you. If they bring up negative things she's said, respond calmly. For example: "I'm sorry mom said that. It's not true. Mom and I have disagreements, but we both love you. You don't need to worry about adult problems."

Validate their feelings without attacking their mother. If your daughter says "Mom says you left us because you don't care," respond with "That must feel scary to hear. I love you very much and I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be your dad."

Document everything. Write down when the kids repeat things she's said, exactly what they said, and how they seemed emotionally. Note changes in their behavior after they've been at her house - increased anxiety, anger toward you, reluctance to visit.

Save any evidence of her alienating behavior. If she texts you insults or sends emails badmouthing you that the kids might see, save them. If she posts negativity about you on social media where the kids have access, screenshot it.

Protecting Your Children and Building Your Case

Consider therapy for the kids if the alienation is affecting them. A therapist can help them process what they're hearing and provide professional documentation of the emotional harm. The therapist's reports can sometimes be used in court.

Maintain your relationship despite the alienation. Keep being the best parent you can be. Show up consistently, stay positive, engage fully during your time together. Your actual behavior over time contradicts her lies.

Don't put the kids in the middle by asking them to defend you or carry messages. Don't use them as spies to report what she says. This increases their stress and makes you part of the problem.

If the alienation is severe - she's convincing the kids you're dangerous, they're refusing to see you, they're repeating elaborate lies - you need to act legally. File a motion addressing the situation and requesting court intervention.

Courts can order remedies for alienation: counseling for the children, co-parenting classes for both parents, restrictions on what she can say to the kids, modification of custody if the alienation is severe, or even contempt charges if she's violating existing orders about not disparaging you.

Some states recognize severe parental alienation as grounds for changing custody. If she's so focused on turning the kids against you that she's harming them psychologically, the court may decide they're better off primarily with you.

Gather evidence from other sources. Teachers, coaches, or family members who notice the children's changed attitudes or repeat things the kids have said about you can provide statements.

Focus on your relationship with your kids. The best defense against alienation is being an involved, loving, present father. Children form their own opinions based on experience. If you're consistently there for them, her lies eventually lose power.

DAD's Child Custody Action Plan explains how to document t effectively, and seek court intervention when necessary. You'll learn how to protect your relationship with your children while building a case that shows her behavior is harming them.